Before You Relate, Validate

You’ve had a rough day at work. A co-worker was a jerk. You’re upset. You vent to your friend/family member and their immediate response is, “Oh my gosh, me too! I totally know what you mean. That happened to me the other day and it was the worst. Ugh!”

But their response didn’t seem to help and instead, you are left feeling more annoyed than anything else.

We’ve all been there and done that on both sides of this scenario.

When we are the listening friend, we try our best to relate to our bestie thinking that sharing our story will bring us closer together and help our friend feel less bad about the situation. That’s honorable and shows you care.

Congratulations, you have empathy!

HOWEVER, your bestie is still upset and now frustrated because the moment shifted from their experience to your experience. In your effort to relate to your friend, you skipped over the chance to validate them.

Validation sounds more like, “That sucks! What a jerk! I’ve got your back, when do we go to war?”

Validation eliminates your experience and keeps the focus on your friend’s experience while also empathizing and showing you care about them.

Have you ever responded to your friend, in the same scenario with, “Well, have you tried…or…Maybe you should…or…When that happens to me, I do…”

Again, what a great friend you are for wanting to solve their problem, so they don’t have to have the same experience or feelings in the future.

HOWEVER, going straight for problem-solving still hasn’t validated your bestie and they probably still feel unheard.

Going straight for problem-solving sends the message to your friend that their feelings need to change/are not okay/are too much for you to handle. What your friend might need is for you to sit in that uncomfortable feeling with them and validate their feelings – not change them.

Validation can also sound like, “I’m sorry (followed by silence).”

Have you ever responded to your friend, in the same scenario with, “Well, it could always be worse. Remember, there are starving children in Africa,” or other scenarios that minimize their experience? While you aren’t wrong, it isn’t helpful.

Your friend is just as aware as you are that tragedies are happening all around the world at any given moment. They don’t need your nightly news report in response to their bad day. What they do need is, you guessed it, validation.

Validation does not mean you agree with their reactions to the situation.

Validation does not mean you would respond the same way they would.

Validation does mean you accept that this moment is hard for your friend and that you are willing to be there, in that moment, with them.

So, how do we do better at validating our besties and other people in our lives? Great question, glad you asked!

Unlike the motto of “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” remind yourself, “Do ask, do tell.”

When you are the one listening, ask your friend what they want from you in that moment.

Do they want to know they aren’t alone in their feelings and experiences? If yes, that’s when you’ll have your chance to shine and share your lived experiences!

Do they want advice on how to solve the problem? If yes, pull out your whiteboard and start brainstorming.

Do they want to regain a little bit of perspective? If yes, tell them about how the world is going to hell in a handbasket and remind them of all of the other hard things they’ve overcome.

Do they just want to be heard? If yes, sit there, keep your mouth shut, and use your active listening skills (mirror, nod, use appropriate facial expressions, avoid distractions – that includes your own thoughts – don’t think about what you’re going to say next, just listen).

No matter which choice they make, VALIDATE their experience and feelings first. Tell them it sucks and is hard and then relate/problem-solve/minimize.

If you are the one struggling and sharing your woes with friends and family, you also have a responsibility here. Start learning what it is you want/need in those moments and then TELL THEM.

Do you want to know you aren’t alone in your experience? If yes, ask them if this has ever happened to them and what it was like. Sometimes just knowing that someone else has shared feelings and experiences is all we need.  

Do you want advice on how to move forward? If yes, ask them for their opinions and strategies to take down the jerk co-worker.

Do you want some perspective to bring you back to reality? If yes, ask them to remind you about a time when you’ve overcome something hard or check out the headlines in the most recent news cycle.

Do you want to just be heard and vent about the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day? If yes, tell them that all you want is to be heard and that once it is out you will be ready to move on with the day.

Let’s revisit the scenario and I’ll show you what it could sound like from both sides.

“Hey, today really sucked. My co-worker was a total jerk and it ruined the rest of my day and now I feel awful.”

“Dude, that sucks. I’m sorry. How can I help?”

“I don’t know. [It just sucks and I don’t like it.] [What would you do?] [Has this happened to you?] [I just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for letting me vent.]”

“Yeah, that does suck. [Remember the last time this happened, and you were able to move on because you realized you don’t actually like them to begin with and their opinion doesn’t really matter?] [When this happens to me, I _______.] [Next time they say that try doing ________.] [Good, I’m glad you feel better. I’m here for you.]”

And before you say, "No one really talks like that," give it a shot and see what happens. You might find that you are way less frustrated with your friends and they aren't actually terrible listeners, they just don't know what you need. I'm also willing to bet they'd prefer knowing how to handle the situation without having to guess.

Now repeat after me: "Before I relate, I must validate."